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The Jane Effect Part 2

by Angel of Death


The Jane Effect

By Angel of Death

Part 2: Honor

Elizabeth closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Knowing that her family's honor was in her hands made Elizabeth's stomach churn. As she turned the silver knob, Emily grunted impatiently behind her. With a painted look of ease, Elizabeth swung open the door and walked into the drawing room.

Surprisingly, the room looked more put together than it did just moments before. The curtains were drawn to give the room a more homey effect, Elizabeth supposed. Flowers of different variety sat peacefully in blue vases.

In his huge oak chair, sat Mr. Greenly, his silver hair pulled back into a ponytail. On his face, he wore a sad but contented smile.

Elizabeth was in fact, his favorite child out of the four he fathered. Maxine, in his opinion, was too lively, and didn't think about life as much as she should.

Patrick, a son of many talents, disappointed him by running away and marrying a French pianist at the tender age of fifteen. Yes, he wrote every once in a while, but Mr. Greenly wished that his family could be together before everyone got married off. Daniel, his eldest son, was a very quiet soul. When there were family gatherings, no one could recall whether he was a man or a ghost. His manner was dead.

Out of all of his children, Elizabeth Jane, was the most conscious and reasonable. She was wise beyond her years, and she had a beautiful vocabulary. Marrying young, he thought, would take away from the essence that made her her. To please his dear wife, Alison, he tried to pretend that he approved of Mr. William Harvey, but he knew deep down that he did not care for any man who wanted to come take his Lizzie from him. Before greeting Mr. Harvey, Elizabeth ran to her father, and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He then gave her a bright smile, but turned back to his sullen facial attire when Elizabeth walked away.

After greeting her father, Elizabeth moved towards Mr. Harvey, who was as handsome as any man could be. His brow was strong but yet sincere. Even in his posture, Elizabeth could see that his parents raised him to be a bold young man.

As she was taught, Elizabeth curtsied slightly, then glued her eyes to the wooden floor that lye under her feet. When a hand moved under hers, she almost flushed a deep red. Unwillingly, she lifted her eyes to find that Mr. Harvey was just inches away from her.

He rose Elizabeth's hand to his lips, and kissed it gently. Then he stepped back, and dropped his eyes to the ground.

"Why such innocence, you are to be married soon?" a gruff voice asked.

Elizabeth turned her head to find a man sitting in the far corner, hidden from the rest of the party. His long, raven black hair fell like rain around his face. Through the black curtain, his eyes shone like a blue-jay finally seeing the light.

In Elizabeth's opinion, he wasn't as handsome as Mr. Harvey, but his appearance was acceptable.

"Perhaps, Sir Harvey is right. Come along, maybe we should give them some privacy," Mrs. Greenly agreed, tapping her husband on his shoulder.

Trying to look astonished, Elizabeth took another look at the man who sat quietly in the corner. This was Mr. Harvey's father.

Suddenly, Sir Harvey's eyes met Elizabeth's, full of disapproval. As he walked passed her, he leaned in towards her ear and whispered something that was inaudible to everyone else.

"Do you find me handsome, Miss Greenly?" he asked, smile in his voice.

Without answering, Elizabeth dropped her eyes back to the familiar wooden floor, and turned away. She could hear Sir Harvey's silent laughter, as he walked out of the drawing room. Soon, the door closed, leaving Mr. Harvey and Elizabeth alone.

"Please excuse my brother, miss, he's a little bold, if you will," Mr. Harvey explained.

"Your brother? I thought he was...," Elizabeth started, shock written across her face.

"Yes, a lot of people mistake him for being my father, but he is not," Mr. Harvey interrupted, shaking his head.

Silence tainted the air as Mr. Harvey and Elizabeth stood there not saying anymore to each other.

"If we're going to be married soon, we mind as well be honest to one another. I don't think that I could ever love you, Elizabeth, and its only for the sole reason that I am in love with someone else. Please, don't fret, we will be married, as I am a man of my word. Now, if you have anything that you must confess, please say something before we are bound by matrimony," Mr. Harvey said, breaking the dead silence.

Elizabeth, as nervous as she was, forced a smile upon her face. Mr. Harvey's straightforwardness was harsh and yet not unexpected. A man of such stature could not agree to marry a woman of her appearance and rank without having already captured the affections of another woman. Elizabeth did not know how this marriage was arranged but her father would have had to pay more than rubies to win the heart of this man. She turned her head, and stared at the fireplace on the far right wall. It was the only action she could do to conceal her true feelings. Her soul was burning, as if it had been thrust into the fire. She watched it char, feeling nothing but sorrow. Was there a man in this world who could ever love her unconditionally?

"I am glad you are so honest, Mr. Harvey," she replied, softly.

"I prefer William or Will, but seriously, you're not upset?" Mr. Harvey asked, coming into her view.

Blinking away tears, Elizabeth shook her head 'no' and then gave William a smile. She would bring honor to her family, even if she had to mask her sensibility. Time slowly passed by as William and Elizabeth talked. They spoke of how they were likely to become best friends sooner or later and of their families. When Elizabeth mentioned her sister, William took up an innocent interest and asked lots of questions concerning Maxine. Elizabeth gladly answered all of them, but failed to mention anything about her looks. Though she would not forget Mr. Harvey's first words to her, she would forever conceive him as an affable man. Besides, you couldn't control who you fell in love with. Soon, the rain vanished into the night, and the door to the drawing room was opened. Lydia stuck her red head in and announced that dinner was served.

Both Elizabeth and William then got up, exited the room, and Elizabeth led the way to the "grand" dining hall.

Elizabeth and her family spent many wondrous times in their little dining room. In fact, Maxine lost her first tooth there when she was five. As Elizabeth entered the room, she remembered quite easily the time when she bashed Maxine's head into the wall. A tiny chuckle rose in her throat, but Elizabeth contained it as she sat in the seat William pulled out for her.

Just as William was about to sit beside Elizabeth, Mr. Greenly held up his hand and motioned for him to sit beside him at the head of the table, next to Maxine.

Daniel, who was probably upset that their were visitors, sat on the other side of Maxine, next to Mrs. Greenly. Elizabeth silently rejoiced at the empty seat beside her, but she suddenly remembered Sir Harvey. As if he heard the mention of his name in Elizabeth's head, he waltzed into the room, his gait as harsh as a crow's. With unexplained anger, he took his seat next to Elizabeth, and folded his hands on the table.

Smells of chicken and bread filled the air. Bertha, one of the eldest maids, was an excellent cook. Since Elizabeth's mother couldn't even boil water, she prepared every meal that the Greenly family consumed, and it was always delicious.

Hours passed by, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Sir Harvey didn't speak much to Elizabeth but he struck up conversation with the rest of the family, including Daniel. The candle's flame began to die down, creating a comfortable atmosphere in the room. When Elizabeth reached for her fork, she accidentally touched Sir Harvey's hand. It was cold, almost as freezing as ice on a winter's day. Violently, Sir Harvey pulled his hand away, then picked up his glass and sipped some of his water. Blood flowed to the surface of Elizabeth's face. Luckily, no one seemed to notice her little encounter with Sir Harvey, so she continued to eat her food in silence.

"You provide a lovely table, Mrs. Greenly," Sir Harvey complimented, smiling.

"Actually, my daughter Maxine is to thank for this ravishing meal," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, lying through her teeth.

As if it were true, Maxine shook her head and smiled politely. Elizabeth rolled her eyes, but kept her mouth shut, for she knew her mother's intentions.

"Sir Harvey, I hear that you are a lover of art. My Maxine, is a very accomplished artist herself. Perhaps you'd like to see some of her work," Mrs. Greenly chimed up, sheepishly.

"Your sources are well informed then. Maybe on the next visit, though, I'm afraid young William and I must be off," Sir Harvey replied politely.

William, who was quiet throughout the whole dinner, stood and waited for permission to leave.

"So soon, Sir Harvey? We were just getting to be acquainted. I'm sure you can stay for dessert," Mrs. Greenly asked sadly.

"Please, Mrs. Greenly, call me Edward, and yes, I am sorry, but we have to go. Excuse me if I'm being rude, but we will come back soon for a more traditional party, if you will," Sir Harvey replied, smiling apologetically.

William bowed his head to Mr. Greenly and kissed both Maxine and Mrs. Greenly's hand. As he walked pass Elizabeth's chair, he bent to kiss her on the cheek. Then, the two Harvey brothers were off, led out by Lydia whose brow was wet.

"Talk about honor!" Mr. Greenly exclaimed.

"Yes, they indeed have all the honor we need," Mrs. Greenly agreed, taking a sip of her tea.

The Greenly family finished eating their food silently, and then went their separate ways for the night.


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Thu Jan 01, 2009 2:03 pm
BeckFletch. wrote a review...



Hey there,

Wow! I've just finished reading the first two parts to this and I am LOVING it!! I always have been a sucker for historical romance hehe!

The only problem that I have is that sometime, and I have only noticed it two or three times in the first two parts, is that you sometimes use really modern language. Well not so much modern words but you use words in modern contexts.

Example: *scrolls up and spends ten minutes looking for example*

"I prefer William or Will, but seriously, you're not upset?" Mr. Harvey asked, coming into her view.

I would have used "But honestly" instead.

Anyway I am REALLY enjoying reading this and i know I'm going to be up all night reading the rest of it!!

Hehe, I'm so excited!!




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Tue Dec 30, 2008 12:13 pm
CastlesInTheSky wrote a review...



Here again! :D

As she turned the silver knob, Emily grunted impatiently behind her.


Seeing that Emily is a superficial little madam, I think 'grunt' has the wrong connotations. Maybe have her 'sigh' or 'groan' or tap her feet on the floor. Anything that signals impatience in a becoming way.

With a painted look of ease, Elizabeth swung open the door and walked into the drawing room.


Painted doesn't quite make sense. Maybe, 'With a counterfeit look of ease.'

Elizabeth was in fact, his favorite child out of the four he fathered. Maxine, in his opinion, was too lively, and didn't think about life as much as she should.


Good, but again, you need to show us rather than tell us this. And I know you'll absolutely hate me and want to rip me apart for saying this, but take care not to make her into too much of an Elizabeth Bennet [Pride and Prejudice.] It's just they're already drawing worrying parallels, and it's easier to root this out early on in the novel than later on. I would advise you to look back through your chapters and maybe rethink Lizzie a bit. Don't wrench out her whole personality, but maybe add originality and a slight edge. Just something to make her truly yours. :)

Yes, he wrote every once in a while, but Mr. Greenly wished that his family could be together before everyone got married off.


The 'yes' here bothers me as it's too colloquial and acts like Mr Greenly is suddenly narrating it, which he isn't.

then gave her a bright smile, but turned back to his sullen facial attire when Elizabeth walked away.


'Sullen facial attitude' doesn't really make sense, as you can't have a facial attitude. Maybe nix the facial.

As she was taught, Elizabeth curtsied slightly, then glued her eyes to the wooden floor that lye under her feet.


'lye' should be 'lay'.

When a hand moved under hers, she almost flushed a deep red.


'A hand' should be 'his hand'. 'A hand' implies that she doesn't know whose hand it is; and if she didn't know whose hand it was, I doubt she would flush.

"Why such innocence, you are to be married soon?" a gruff voice asked.


Good, but the question mark is in the wrong place. It should read, 'Why such innocence? You are to be married soon." Yes, I think that sounds a lot better. :)

Elizabeth turned her head to find a man sitting in the far corner, hidden from the rest of the party. His long, raven black hair fell like rain around his face.


'Fell like rain' is the wrong simile, because rain falls quickly and disappears on the ground. If you use the simile 'fell like rain', you're implying something fell quickly. I doubt his hair is falling quickly. ^_^ That makes him sound bald. Maybe, 'his long, raven black hair fell like a smokescreen'. That sounsd okay.

Through the black curtain, his eyes shone like a blue-jay finally seeing the light.


Nice simile, but insert it somewhere else, or you're in risk of having too many similes glued after eachother.

In Elizabeth's opinion, he wasn't as handsome as Mr. Harvey, but his appearance was acceptable.


I think this is spoiling Elizabeth's personality, making her muse over these men's appearance. If she's wise, and mature, then she should surely look to see what their temperament is like before making such judgements about peoples' looks.

"Perhaps, Sir Harvey is right.


No need for the comma. Disrupts the flow.

"Do you find me handsome, Miss Greenly?" he asked, smile in his voice.


You mean, 'a smile in his voice.'

"If we're going to be married soon, we mind as well be honest to one another.


'mind' should be 'might.'

I don't think that I could ever love you, Elizabeth, and its only for the sole reason that I am in love with someone else.


The rudeness! :twisted:

Please, don't fret, we will be married, as I am a man of my word.


Break it up: Please, don't fret. We will be married, as I am a man of my word.

Now, if you have anything that you must confess, please say something before we are bound by matrimony," Mr. Harvey said, breaking the dead silence.


That seems a bit ... rushed. It's not like they're just about to be bound in matrimony, so makes his speech seem a bit ludicrous. Please, please nix the 'bound in matrimony.' It just takes all seriousness out of the dialogue, which you definitely don't want to happen.

Elizabeth, as nervous as she was, forced a smile upon her face. Mr. Harvey's straightforwardness was harsh and yet not unexpected. A man of such stature could not agree to marry a woman of her appearance and rank without having already captured the affections of another woman.


Hey! What's happened to the spunky Lizzie? I'm sure she wouldn't force a smile on her face. Maybe have her turn away coldly or something. And she's so resigned about the fact that he loves someone else - definitely a sign that she isn't really a strong character. I'll talk about this in the overall comments.

She watched it char, feeling nothing but sorrow.


You need to specify whether 'it' means the 'heart' or the 'fire.'

"I prefer William or Will, but seriously, you're not upset?" Mr. Harvey asked, coming into her view.


This dialogue is a bit too modern.

Blinking away tears, Elizabeth shook her head 'no' and then gave William a smile. She would bring honor to her family, even if she had to mask her sensibility. Time slowly passed by as William and Elizabeth talked. They spoke of how they were likely to become best friends sooner or later and of their families. When Elizabeth mentioned her sister, William took up an innocent interest and asked lots of questions concerning Maxine. Elizabeth gladly answered all of them, but failed to mention anything about her looks. Though she would not forget Mr. Harvey's first words to her, she would forever conceive him as an affable man. Besides, you couldn't control who you fell in love with. Soon, the rain vanished into the night, and the door to the drawing room was opened. Lydia stuck her red head in and announced that dinner was served.


This is too rushed - take time with it and narrate it all in dialogue.

Overall Advice

I

This definitely wasn't a bad chapter and your ideas were good. But there is a great problem with telling instead of showing - a lot of the later parts of this chapter were told in huge chunks of narration, where you should have put dialogue and interaction in. the description wasn't as strong because of the amount of telling you're doing. Take the time to stop and smell the roses. Insert details - the type that make a story real. You definitely know how to do that - from what I've read of your first chapter. You just need to keep it consistent. That's no problem - just follow these rules and it should get you somewhere.

II


1. Use dialogue. Dialogue allows the reader to experience a scene as if they were there. Dialogue can give your reader a great deal about character, emotion and mood. it's also a way to show characterisation, through how characters interact with eachother.

2. Use sensory language. In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight.

3. Be descriptive

I’m sure everyone remembers learning to use adjectives and adverbs in elementary school. When we’re told to be more descriptive, it’s easy to go back to those things that we were taught. But being descriptive is more than just inserting a string of descriptive words. It’s carefully choosing the right words and using them sparingly to convey your meaning.

4. Be specific, not vague

Instead of writing, “I had never felt anything like it before in my entire life,” take the time to try and describe what that feeling was, and then decide how best to convey that feeling to the reader. Your readers will thank you for it.

III

Your main character - I'm having a problem with her. The reason for that is, she's finally starting to develop, but she's stopped being the person she was expected to be in the first chapter. Emily was going on about her speaking her mind and being brash, but in this chapter she seems quite timid, quiet and resigned, meekly accepting that her husband-to-be loves someone else and could never love her, and obeying her family's wishes for her to maintain their honour. This is no problem - your character has obviously taken on a mind and personality of her own, and this is how she's going to be. But you need to change the first chapter, or it seems like Elizabeth is meant to be one thing, but is actually acting the other. This is actually EXACTLY the same problem I had with Anne, from Tipping The velvet. I wanted her to be strong but as the chapters progressed, I realised she was a weak, shy character, and I learnt to embrace that, rather than fight it.

IV

Some of these characters are in danger of turning out a bit flat, so make sure you keep them flawed and interesting. Show characters in different lights when you get a chance. Yes, a character in question can also be a villain. Show them interacting with different people, seeing the world through their own perspective, having their inner monologues, contradicting themselves(yet make sure these contradictions apply consistently and make sense), changing into different directions, having crises of faiths, justifying themselves, making decisions and taking actions of their own, taking chances, making mistakes, trying to make up for them and, the most important of all, getting in different conflicts, be they large-scale, personal or interpersonal.

V

All in all, definitely not a bad chapter at all. Your ideas are really progressing and I, in contrast, can't predict what's going to happen, which is a good thing. I can empathise with your main character, which is good becaues it means we're on the same wavelength. That encourages readers to read on - great stuff. I hope my advice helps - I do tend to ramble sometimes. Just remember to keep your characters consistent and maybe try to look over the plans for your main character, and draw up a list of goals about what you want her to be, and what she's ending up as.

Good luck and thanks for the read!

-Sarah
xxx




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Sun Nov 30, 2008 6:27 pm
Angel of Death says...



Merry I just love reading your critiques! If you guess who William's in love with, I think I will be baffled. I don't want anyone to know right away, but if you don't get it in the next chapter, I'm going to enjoy keeping you in the dark about this. Well, thanks again.

~Angel




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Sun Nov 30, 2008 6:19 pm
Merry_Haven wrote a review...



Daniel, his eldest son, was a very quiet soul. When there were family gatherings, no one could recall whether he was a man or a ghost. His manner was dead.

You know, Angel. I just love that name, Daniel. It's. It's. Oh, I just love it!
Out of all of his children, Elizabeth Jane, was the most conscious and reasonable.

Let me guess. That's where you got the title to the story. From her middle name?

He rose Elizabeth's hand to his lips, and kissed it gently.

Awww. So cute.

"Please excuse my brother, miss, he's a little bold, if you will," Mr. Harvey explained.

Brother?

"Your brother? I thought he was...," Elizabeth started, shock written across her face.

Yeah, I'm with her. I thought so too.

"If we're going to be married soon, we mind as well be honest to one another. I don't think that I could ever love you, Elizabeth, and its only for the sole reason that I am in love with someone else. Please, don't fret, we will be married, as I am a man of my word. Now, if you have anything that you must confess, please say something before we are bound by matrimony," Mr. Harvey said, breaking the dead silence.

Uh, jerk, much. Or other terms, a cad or rake.
Okay, I think I can take a guess who he's in love with. But I'll keep my suspicions to myself, for now.

Was there a man in this world who could ever love her unconditionally?

Yep. And I think I can tell who.

Both Elizabeth and William then got up, exited the room, and Elizabeth led the way to the "grand" dining hall.

Oh, oh, oh! I love that word. Grand. *sighs*

"Actually, my daughter Maxine is to thank for this ravishing meal," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, lying through her teeth.

Do I like her mother? *thinks* Nope. I don't like mothers like her. I prefer mine, to be like a friend to her daughters. But that's just me.

"Talk about honor!" Mr. Greenly exclaimed.

Yeah. Honor. :roll:

Angel-
I think I can guess what's going to happen. But I'm not going to say, I'm keeping my mouth shut. For now. :wink:
*off to 3*
-Merry




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Tue Sep 30, 2008 8:10 pm
Angel of Death says...



~~Edited~~

~Angel




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Sun Sep 28, 2008 11:29 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Angel, I'm back and ready to review!

I really enjoy these types of stories so I'm going to hurry and read :wink: hehe

All Comments in black, all corrections in red.


The Jane Effect

By Angel of Death


Part 2: Honor


Elizabeth closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Knowing that her family's honor was in her hands, No need for the comma after "hands" made Elizabeth's stomach churn. As she turned the silver knob, Emily grunted impatiently behind her. With a painted look of ease, Elizabeth swung open the door and walked into the drawing room.

Surprisingly, the room looked more put together than it did just moments before. The curtains were drawn to give the room a more homey effect, Elizabeth supposed. Flowers of different variety sat peacefully in blue vases.

In his huge oak chair, sat Mr. Greenly, his silver hair pulled back into a ponytail. On his face, he wore a sad but contented smile. Why would his smile be sad? I would go into more detail about that.

Elizabeth was in fact, his favorite child out of the four he fathered. Maxine, in his opinion, was too lively, and didn't think about life as much as she should.

Patrick, a son of many talents, disappointed him by running away and marrying a French pianist at the tender age of fifteen. Yes, he wrote every once in a while, but Mr. Greenly wished that his family could be together before everyone got married off. Daniel, his eldest son, was a very quiet soul. When there were family gatherings, no one could recall whether he was a man or a ghost. His manner was dead.

Out of all of his children, Elizabeth Jane, was the most conscious and reasonable. She was wise beyond her years, and she had a beautiful vocabulary. Marrying young, he thought, would take away from the essence that made her her. To please his dear wife, Alison, he tried to pretend that he approved of Mr. William Harvey, but he knew deep down that he did not care for any man who wanted to come take his Lizzie from him. Oh, that is why he sad...forget my last comment :wink:

Before greeting Mr. Harvey, Elizabeth ran to her father, and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He then gave her a bright smile, but turned back to his sullen facial attire when Elizabeth walked away.

After greeting her father, Elizabeth moved towards Mr. Harvey, who was as handsome as any man could be. His brow was strong [s]but[/s] yet sincere. Even in his posture, Elizabeth could see that his parents raised him to be a bold young man.

As she was taught, Elizabeth curtsied slightly, then glued her eyes to the wooden floor that lye under her feet. When a hand moved under hers, she almost flushed a deep red. Unwillingly, she lifted her eyes to find that Mr. Harvey was just inches away from her.

He rose Elizabeth's hand to his lips, and kissed it gently. Then he stepped back, and dropped his eyes to the ground.

"Why such innocence, you are to be married soon?" a gruff voice asked.

Elizabeth turned her head to find a man sitting in the far corner, hidden from the rest of the party. His long, raven black hair fell like rain around his face. Through the black curtain, his eyes shone like a blue-jay finally seeing the light.

In Elizabeth's opinion, he wasn't as handsome as Mr. Harvey, but his appearance was acceptable.

"Perhaps, Sir Harvey is right. Come along, maybe we should give them some privacy," Mrs. Greenly agreed, tapping her husband on his shoulder.

Trying to look astonished, Elizabeth took another look at the man who sat quietly in the corner. This was Mr. Harvey's father.

Suddenly, Sir Harvey's eyes met Elizabeth's, full of disapproval. As he walked passed her, he leaned in towards her ear and whispered something that was inaudible to everyone else.

"Do you find me handsome, Miss Greenly?" he asked, smile in his voice.

Without answering, Elizabeth dropped her eyes back to the familiar wooden floor, and turned away. She could hear Sir Harvey's silent laughter, as he walked out of the drawing room. Soon, the door closed, leaving Mr. Harvey and Elizabeth alone.

"Please excuse my brother, miss, he's a little bold, if you will," Mr. Harvey explained.

"Your brother? I thought he was...," Elizabeth started, shock written across her face.

"Yes, a lot of people mistake him for being my father, but he is not," Mr. Harvey interrupted, shaking his head.

Silence tainted the air as Mr. Harvey and Elizabeth stood there not saying anymore to each other.

"If we're going to be married soon, we mind as well be honest to one another. I don't think that I could ever love you comma Elizabeth, and its only for the sole reason that I am in love with someone else. Please, don't fret, we will be married, as I am a man of my word. Now, if you have anything that you must confess, please say something before we are bound by matrimony," Mr. Harvey said, breaking the dead silence. Whoa!? Did he just say that...wow, I would be so put-off and angry at this point...

Elizabeth as nervous as she was, forced a smile upon her face. Yeah, Eliza's reaction doesn't sit well with me. I think you should have her react a little differently, at least internally.

"I am glad you are so honest, Mr. Harvey," Elizabeth replied softly.

"I prefer William or Will, but seriously, you're not upset?" Mr. Harvey asked smiling.

"No. You can not control who you fall in love with," Elizabeth replied, returning the smile.

Time slowly passed by as William and Elizabeth talked. They spoke of how they were likely to become best friends sooner or later and of their families. When Elizabeth mentioned her sister, William took up an innocent interest and asked lots of questions concerning Maxine. Elizabeth gladly answered all of them, but failed to mention anything about her looks.

Soon, the rain vanished into the night, and the door to the drawing room was opened. Lydia stuck her red head in and announced that dinner was served.

Both Elizabeth and William then got up, exited the room, and Elizabeth led the way to the "grand" dining hall.

Elizabeth and her family spent many wondrous times in their little dining room. In fact, Maxine lost her first tooth there, No need for the comma after "there when she was five. As Elizabeth entered the room, she remembered quite easily the time when she bashed Maxine's head into the wall. A tiny chuckle rose in her throat, but Elizabeth contained it as she sat in the seat William pulled out for her.

Just as William was about to sit beside Elizabeth, Mr. Greenly held up his hand and motioned for him to sit beside him at the head of the table, next to Maxine.

Daniel, who was probably upset that their were visitors, sat on the other side of Maxine, next to Mrs. Greenly. Elizabeth silently rejoiced at the empty seat beside her, but she suddenly remembered Sir Harvey. As if he heard the mention of his name in Elizabeth's head, he waltzed into the room, his gait as harsh as a crow's. With unexplained anger, he took his seat next to Elizabeth, and folded his hands on the table.

Smells of chicken and bread filled the air. Bertha, one of the eldest maids, was an excellent cook. Since Elizabeth's mother couldn't even boil water, she prepared every meal that the Greenly family consumed, and it was always delicious.

Hours passed by, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Sir Harvey didn't speak much to Elizabeth but he struck up conversation with the rest of the family, including Daniel. The candle's flame began to die down, creating a comfortable atmosphere in the room. When Elizabeth reached for her fork, she accidently touched Sir Harvey's hand. It was cold, almost as freezing as ice on a winter's day. Violently but softly, Sir Harvey pulled his hand away, then picked up his glass and sipped some of his water. How can someone do something "violently and softly" at the same time? That is sort of a wierd image you create. Try to elaborate more there.

Blood flowed to the surface of Elizabeth's face. Luckily, no one seemed to notice her little encounter with Sir Harvey, so she continued to eat her food in silence.

"You provide a lovely table, Mrs. Greenly," Sir Harvey complimented, smiling.

"Actually, my daughter Maxine is to thank for this ravishing meal," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, lying through her teeth.

As if it were true, Maxine shook her head and smiled politely. Elizabeth rolled her eyes, but kept her mouth shut, for she knew her mother's intentions.

"Sir Harvey, I hear that you are a lover of art. My Maxine, is a very accomplished artist herself. Perhaps you'd like to see some of her work," Mrs. Greenly chimed up, sheepishly.

"Your sources are well informed then. Maybe on the next visit, though, I'm afraid young William and I must be off," Sir Harvey replied politely.

William, who was quiet throughout the whole dinner, stood and waited for permission to leave.

"So soon comma Sir Harvey? We were just getting to be acquainted. I'm sure you can stay for dessert," Mrs. Greenly asked sadly.

"Please comma Mrs. Greenly, call me Edward, and yes, I am sorry, but we have to go. Excuse me if I'm being rude, but we will come back soon for a more traditional party, if you will," Sir Harvey replied, smiling apologetically.

William bowed his head to Mr. Greenly and kissed both Maxine and Mrs. Greenly's hand. As he walked pass Elizabeth's chair, he bent to kiss her on the cheek. Then, the two Harvey brothers were off, led out by Lydia whose brow was wet.

"Talk about honor!" Mr. Greenly exclaimed.

"Yes, they indeed have all the honor we need," Mrs. Greenly agreed, taking a sip of her tea.

The Greenly family finished eating their food silently, and then went their separate ways for the night.

I'm not sure what to think of this chapter. It was good, yes, but kind of abrupt. It was such a swift change in atmosphere that I was kind of taken off gaurd. My advise would be to go into more detail of Eliza's thought on all of this, since she is the MC.

Well, hope this helped :wink:




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Thu May 15, 2008 12:37 am
Leahweird wrote a review...



I find myself very intrigued about all the siblings in this peice. I despretly want to find out more about them, as well as te lead and her betrothed. I am extremly amused by the brother who ran away.

I have only two actual critisisms. One, the veiw seems to swith to the father for a moment, and it shopuld probably stay with Elizabeth.

Two, this line:

Sure, he wrote every once in a while,

seems to modern. It might need rewording.

that lye under her feet.

Another typo. Don't those drive you nuts? I get them all the time.




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Wed May 14, 2008 3:05 am
Angel of Death says...



Wow, thanks Jesse :D :D :D




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Wed May 14, 2008 1:26 am
Jesse says...



I didn't find a thing that I could say to help make this better. I would rather read this than the book im reading now. Wow. Your good





The first thing I do when I have a good quote is always to put a goat in it. uwu
— Liminality